Chester's Puns http://www.glamcam.com/chester-puns.txt Version 0.17 June 04, 2006 Q: What's the favorite make of car for friendly Texans? A: Audi. Q: What's the favorite make of car for depressives? A: Saab. Q: What's the favorite make of car for gene-splicers? A: GM. Q: What's the best make of car for crossing rivers? A: Ford. Q: What's the best make of car for Dorothy's boy? A: Datsun. Q: What's the worst make of car for Susans who are prone to sunstroke? A: Diahatsu. Q: What make of car should you get for your sister's honored daughter from Japan? A: Niece-San. Q: What's the favorite make of car for roofers? A: Beemer. The school play this year had kids singing inside models of food. But I only appeared in a non-speaking roll. Q: What's the wittiest bird in the ocean? A: The Punguin. Do turkey chicks say "nibble-nibble?" They've discovered a fat little bird in the artic that gives its mate no peace. It's called the ptarmigant. When Dorothy returned from OZ, she lead a surprisingly normal life. She married the neighbor farmer, Leocorvus Stannismench, and when he retired they became snowbirds. But as they were leaving each year, she would embarrass him by dancing down the driveway, and singing so the Munchausens next door could hear, "We're off to flee the blizzard!" I saw a drunk guy acting like a tree last night. Larching around. Well, he wasn't very poplar. Q: What computer language do you use to find the grade point average of Republican Presidents? A: C-- The Army has a special programming language for simulating the evacuation of garrisons: FortRan. Corn farmers have one for them too: CoBBOL. My friend tried to develop a new programming language for unix but he just yacc'ed up an awk. If a rumpologist compares your butt to the stars, does that make him an Ass-trologer? Just read a book on the evolution of urban legends: "Origin of the Specious." "I say, Marcus, with so many kinds of word play in Latin, how do I know which jokes are puns?" "Simple, Tacitus, just remember the famous saying: `All Modes Lead to Groan.'" They've trained cats to bring up oysters now. You, know, purrl divers. Did you hear about the Golden Retriever with the beautiful new collar? She was very fetching. My friend got a good job in an orchard. A real plum assignment. Our camp for refugee ministers is filled with displaced parsons. Did you hear about the unlucky condom? Thing just kept going from bed to purse. I wanted to kill a deer for a trophy, but I didn't have the hart. Did you hear about the very conservative school for tall girls? The only track and field event they allowed was the standing long frump. Q: What's a hunting dog's favorite spice? A: Bay. Q: What do you call offering comfort to a mushroom? A: Morel support. Potatoes grow on Potafeet. Most people surf the web with a browser. Dogs use a bowser. Cats use a meowser. Unless they're from Liverpool. Then they use a Scouser. I may just be an unemployed Jester, but I'm nobody's Fool! Police responded to reports that an area residence was being used as a poultry amusement park, but found no evidence of fowl play. Former White House Intern #1: Did you ever have sex with the President? Former White House Intern #2: Close, but no cigar. I camped in poison ivy....................an embarrassment of itches. I went to batting practice................an embarrassment of pitches. I went to the big dog show................an embarrassment of bitches. City's digging up my street...............an embarrassment of ditches. I collected tons of knick-knacks..........an embarrassment of kitsches. I bought a fancy desk for them............an embarrassment of niches. I tried the latest software...............an embarrassment of glitches. Halloween's around the corner.............an embarrassment of witches. I sought a bride in 'Vegas................an embarrassment of hitches. I saw an undead crowning..................an embarrassment of liches. I have my secret sources..................an embarrassment of snitches. Too many friends called Mitchell..........an embarrassment of mitches. I became a tailor.........................an embarrassment of stitches. I made too many trousers..................an embarrassment of britches. I finally got Tourette's..................an embarrassment of twitches. So I sued the bastards....................an embarrassment of riches. Q: Why did Henry VIII behead so many wives? A: He kept wanting a Tudor convertible with the top down. Q: Why do orange melons always have church weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe. Q: What's a knick-knack collector's favorite soda? A: Tchotch-cola. Q: Which is worse, cat barf or baby barf? A: It's a toss up. "This is the way the poem ends, not with a clang, but a simper." Uneven bangs are very popular with UFO chasers this year. You can always spot the Lunatic Fringe. Q: What kind of underwear do UFO chasers prefer? A: Fruit of the Loon. Woodpecker #1: Man, it's hot today. Woodpecker #2: Yeah, let's go to the Beech! A guy brings his trashy girlfriend to a party, and the host notices another man making a pass at her. He decides to warn her boyfriend, who doesn't seem to mind. "Actually, I like him," says the boyfriend. "He's a man after my own tart." Do country worms dream of seeking their fortune in The Big Apple? Would an Iranian Toupee be a Persian Rug? In line at the supermarket, do chickens read the National Henquirer? Man: What do you think of my "elephant gun?" Woman: You mean your "pee-shooter?" When a Jewish vegetable dies, do the others say Raddish for him? Q: What did the Malapropism say to the Spoonerism? A: You're no pun anymore.